He was there alone in a crowd with his favorite book when he saw her for the first time.Sitting on his favorite corner seat in the library , he saw her enter. She was like a breath of fresh air after being trapped in a small chamber for days. Her smile was like the sunshine that warmed you after a chilly winter night. She was everything He hoped for and beyond. She was His from the moment; he set his eyes on her.

His eyes followed her every move. Suddenly, He saw her coming towards him. His heart started beating so fast as if it would jump out of his body and then their eyes met for the first time. He looked into her eyes , and he could see everything & yet nothing. Those dark eyes reminded him of the night sky.The sky which he loved gazing into. The eyes which he would never stop gazing into. "Hello !! You mind if I sit here for awhile?"she chirped and all he could say or rather do was a slight affirmative nod of the head.She was confused and thats when he barely managed to say "No I don't."

She sat there just opposite to him  she smiled and he could barely manage one. For he was afraid , he was scared and he was not ready to admit that he was feeling. Yes, he was feeling , He "FELT".But he was not the kind of person who was supposed to feel anything.He didn't feel.Nothing effected him.He was more like a robot or a machine.Human emotions were alien to him. He was just a person in flesh and blood for whom emotions where something which belonged to the weak.And yet ; all he could think of at that moment was SHE. He felt his skin burning ; was this what they called a blush?He felt a smile breaking throughout his face. It was at that defining moment that he knew He was in Love. He felt Love after an eternity.

Love scared him more than anything else in the world. He couldnot bear the very idea of him falling in love. He got up; took a last glance and left.He heard her call out . But it was too much for him. He left.He ran.He ran as if he was being chased by a deadly animal. He ran for his dear sweet life.He ran not until he reached what he had left of a home. A small one room apartment cluttered with the remains of his past life. A life long ended ; dead. 

He searched and searched not until he found it. A picture. The only picture he had of - HER. Rebecca .. His Rebecca. Rebecca , the love of his life. The Rebecca , he had killed.Yes, he was a murderer. He had killed her. He didn't intend to. He didn't know it was going to happen.He would have stopped it if he knew. Damn!! he should have listened.He shouldn't have taken her to cliff that ominous night. He knew it had rained the other night and it would be all slippery. Yet, they went , they ran around and it was then that he saw her suddenly disappear in front of his eyes through a crevice ; her body to be found after 2 days floating on the lake beneath the cliff. He killed her. He was a murderer ; and now it was happening all over again. He was feeling LOVE all over again. 

He kept on bumping into her in the library or other places ; and he kept on avoiding her religiously. He didn't want another Rebecca to happen.The girl wanted to talk to him. She would say an occasional hi n he would just nod and go away almost ran away.This continued till one fine day She confronted her.Never in her life had she seen someone avoid her so religiously. She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to slap him for thwarting her attempts to talk with him.She some how wanted to know him.

"hey, you. Stop.Wait. See don't run off. Man!! Do I scare you?" She said. She was angry but there was an urgency in her voice , a desperation."Uh! no you dont. M sorry. But I need to go. Bye" He started walking but this time he was not alone. She was following her. "Okay , we can talk while walking. I forgot to introduce myself that day. I'm Rebecca". His heart missed a beat. He almost tripped on his way. "Rebecca???"  "Yeah. Hi." He couldn't stop staring at her. Rebecca. "Hello ! You alright? You dont like the name. Do you?" He spoke "Uhh! no.. Nothing. Its fine.Listen. Nice talking to you. I need to go.Bye." He shot off again and she stood there just stood there not knowing what to do.She felt a lump growing in her throat.Man!! she so wanted to slap that guy. She so wanted to know him.

 He knew he was doomed , doomed to lose every single person he had ever loved , ever felt for. But what the hell was this, was this some kind of a cruel joke that the guy who sits at a place above those white clouds was playing on him? Suddenly, he felt a smile breaking when he recalled the incident. "Rebbecca " Thats a classy name".

She sat their on the same table where she had first seen him waiting for him to come. but he never came and with the passing time she became more angry , stubborn.She wanted to speak to him and know what was wrong with him. She knew something was definitely wrong. She knew what she had to do. Later that day , unknown to him , she followed her into his apartment.

He was not used to having guests or people come over to his place. The doorbell startled him only to astound him n surprise him more after having opened the door. "You" he gasped. "Yes" she said."Before you ask me how did I get in here, let me tell you.I followed you after college and here I am." Well you shouldn't have". She shot back " Well you aren't really the person who gets to decide that".Since , its pretty clear you aren't inviting me in , I shall do that for myself". "Wait". he said . "No, i wont. " She entered into his abode. "Nice place".Anyways listen I wanted to speak with you. I mean why don't you talk with me? why do you run every time you see me.?Do I scare You??
She was restless, she was angry, she was impatient and she badly wanted him to speak.

He could sense her angst, her impatience, her restlessness and yes He was scared, frightened more than ever. "No, you don't. Listen! You should go. This is not exactly the place you should be in.Bye.!!" He slammed the door, just that somehow her hands came in between."Shit..!! I am so sorry, Rebecca, I didn't mean to hurt You". "You remember my name". She gasped. She was surprised, she was happy. "Gosh! I hurt you pretty bad". "You remember my name. I thought you never even heard me that day." "You should go to the Doctor. Does it hurt? Shall I get something? What should I do?"
He was scared more than ever. He had hurt her. He had hurt Rebecca also, no He had killed her actually; and now He would end up doing something terrible to her too. She can't be here. "Listen! You should not stay here. Go to a doctor or something.Please. Bye! He literally drove her put of the house.
She couldn't retaliate this time.

He remembered my name, then why can't he talk to me? Why does he avoid me?
She was not used to getting spurned like this. She was not used to running behind someone like this. Darn.! she never ran behind a person like this. But, there was something in that guy. Something in his eyes, the way he looked when She saw her for the first time. There was something entrancing even in the way he spurned her every time she tried to reach out to him. There was something magnetic about him and he had to reach out to him.

"Hey! Amanda. Do you happen to know that guy, the one over there." Rebecca asked her friend pointing towards Him. "That is Willliam. He is weird you know. Never speaks with anyone." " Why doesn't he speak with anyone?" "Some personal tragedy, dunno much about it."

Of shattered Dreams

And thus another dream ends; waking up to the Harsh reality. Lets face it. Its You only who thinks that you deserve more in Life, that you are worth something more. They don't think so. You are not destined for greatness; and thus another of your hopes are crushed. Some broken shards of glass, Kohl smudged eyes, a half burnt cigarette and another name added to your list of compromises, your growing list of Compromises. Another day and you try telling yourself , Some people are born Lucky. Life is easier for them. You are not one of them.May be you will get what you want , but the hard way; and then something inside you screams Why Me? Out of all the Six billion people (lets narrow it down to the 180 people) , Why it has to be Me? Why can't I be on the other side?? The happier side, the luckier side, the side with "worked out" things.

You try shutting that voice, play some loud music, gulp down some vodka, watch some TV. But does it? It retaliates. Yes, You failed again.Yes you compromised again. You lost something that you wanted badly again.You can't shut it down. Then, you start ignoring it, you start moving on, carrying on with your Life, trying to remind yourself of things you have achieved; and somehow everything you have achieved seem so gnomish, miniature in front of all those broken dreams and crushed hopes. 

Another night, you spend trying to make up your mind, thinking about "what happens, happens for GOOD". Consoling yourself with those so called good things that this compromise of yours has served you with.A small thing and you feel that similar lump in your throat.Broken dreams, crushed plans and shattered hopes. 

Run away. You end up wishing to run away from all of it; from the nights spent thinking about "what next"? From those solitary hours spent trying to Compromise again. People call you an Escapist. They say "You can't deal with failure, You can't act accordingly." "Actually you didn't work hard enough to achieve it, n now no point crying over spilled milk".

If only they would have realized how much broken you are within, how much tired you are of fighting back each time and most importantly how much badly, You for a change want to be happy. 

If only Life would have been a bit easier for me too.. If only my dreams and hopes wouldn't have been crushed and shattered for Once... If only the last Resort , the Last Hope wouldn't have gone away with the Wind../

For that Someone who could never understand me...

Dear Someone,

.... and I am in Love; as always; may be more than ever. Have been in love with you for a long time.Never told you though.I don't think , I ever will.

Do you know at all? Do you even deserve to know? Maybe you do deserve to know coz, You are  the subject over here; or maybe you don't coz somewhere deep down you just don't care and even if you do, you are not man enough to show it.

I have been there by your side, supporting you, helping you, in my own little way.See, that's the shortcoming of being in Love. You just cannot stop yourself from being selfless , you just cannot stop yourself from going beyond, crossing the line and doing that extra bit with a singular desire of comforting and maybe making that person Happy.

And today I know I need you more than ever.Not much, but a few words of support would do. A "Don't worry things will work out. They always do" will surely do the job. Maybe, for once you could just reach out to me and let me hold your hand for awhile or simply let me sit by your side and hear time ticking away.

If only, you would have heard my silence speaking; the way I did for you. If only you would have understood how much broken I am within. If only you would have felt how a single "hi" from you lights up my day.If only you would have realized How much I need you.....

The Lady with the Broom

I see her everyday; well almost everyday. She comes to my room almost everyday; sometimes in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon when we (me and my room mate) would be lost in our own fantasy world.During such times, that one loud rough knock on the door and we would be assured that its the Sweeper Lady or the Akka (as everyone of her kind is popularly known here) on the other side of the door. A couple of curses and either one of us will get up from our peaceful afternoon nap, open the door and tell her "Akka.!! No cleaning. Tomorrow come, Not today". "Ma.! Madam Titta.." "Okay Akka give.; will sign the list". Room no. 414 cleaned at 2 30pm.She would always try to tell something , but by then the door would have been slammed on her face.

It all began with a birthday party. A party which suddenly went a bit high on the drinks , well enough for me to return back to my room and puke.Gosh, the stench that persisted even when the room was washed and mopped, was in one word un-bearable; not to count the hangover. Damn it.!! The first thing in the morning , am calling the sweeper lady and asking her to mop my room properly.

She came to the clean the room next day like always and this time I rather welcomed her. She cleaned the room, moving the chairs , arranging the stuffs strewn around , clearing the mess , just like the way she would have done for her own room, much to  my own dismay. I stood there captivated as I saw her cleaning every nook and corner of my room , arranging my books and stuffs with care. But, the smell still persisted. After she was done with her one round of dusting and mopping , she came upto me and asked in Tamil "Did you happen to puke yesterday?" All I had to say was a yes; and she went off , to return with a bigger mop ,a bottle of phenyl etc. Another round of cleaning, dusting and mopping with increased gusto and then "Ma ! come inside. Is the smell gone? Should I mop one more time"? 

I was bewildered. She didn't have to do all of this for me. I was not even going to pay her. Who was she? This woman , this ordinary woman , roaming around the hostel corridors with a broom in one of her hands , waking up people from their peaceful afternoon nap and cleaning their mess as if it was her OWN. 

I talked with her that day for the first time, thanked her for cleaning up My Mess. She told me how her husband beat her up last night. She showed me her scar. All I could manage was a sad face and an equally pathetic advice to go see a doctor and get some medicine. I felt horrible for puking , for making her clean my mess, and for not being able to talk to her.I felt helpless for not knowing Tamil. I wanted to speak to her, wanted to comfort her.

She went. This time; the door wasn't slammed on her face. I stood there at the door , seeing her go. She turned once and said something in Tamil; which meant something like "Ma.! you puked yesterday, you are not well. Go and take rest." All I could manage was a mere "Thank you Akka"!! 

If only she could have cleared the Mess out of her Life......... 

Of things Lost ....

"Ya Devi Sarvabhuteshu Shakti Rupen Sangsthita, Namastasyayi  Namastasyayi Namastasyayi Namoh Namaha"

The familiar voice of Birendra Krishna Bhadra that the radio would blare out all my growing years during that one particular day of the year, well it still does except that I don't listen to it anymore. 

The morning aftermath and Mahishashur Mardini showing on Doodarshan, it still does except that I don't watch it anymore.

The hub bub, the urgency to complete the Pandal on time , workers working round the clock building those beautiful structures and me staring at them mesmerized; the urgency , the Pandal everything remains; just that somehow I just don't seem to be a part of it anymore.

Things which seemed so normal, so commonplace and ordinary few years ago have suddenly lost somewhere in the sands of time. They suddenly have ceased to be a part of my life or should I rather say that I have ceased to be a part of "that" World altogether. With just a few days remaining before the Biggest Festival of Bengalis commence ; I sit back here and ponder over the things that I have lost in continuing with my mad race to achieve that ultimate source of happiness. 

My childhood flashes past my eyes , the time of Pujo , the excitement of shopping , of getting the latest collection available in the market , the month of October approaching , the smell of the Shiuli flowers.Those small, beautiful white flowers with a small orange-ish stalk, how I would love sniffing around my garden just to catch a light whiff of those flowers. 

Its been 4 years since I last smelt or even seen that flower ; and now I don't remember how it smells.

Saptami , the day of the Puja , I used to wake up to the beats of the Dhak. I recollect how the Dhakis used to lodge in our Garage during the four days of the Puja. I used to be amazed immensely by those lean, thin sometimes frail , young , at times old Dhakis and with the zest they used to play and sometimes dance to the beats of the Dhak.

I  still hear the beats of the Dhak, the internet is flooded with mp3 of the same; but I miss those Dhakis and their Zest for Life.

Dashami, the final day of the Puja , the day the married women of the locality used to bid farewell to Durga , not as a deity but as a daughter.I have seen children and at times the old crying over the fact that their daughter Durga would be going off to her Husband's place, not to return until next year. 

I never shed a tear in all those years , but I remember a void that Dashami would leave in my heart every year; a pang when the Idol finally would be loaded onto a truck en route for her Visarjan.

I somehow don't feel that void nor that pang any more..

I have achieved a lot of things in this short life of mine and I know there are many, many places left for me to be explored , many things left for me to be achieved. But, somewhere amidst all the achievements, there is a feeling of losing something dear , a feeling of utter helplessness and an angst for having lost things that actually mattered in search for something that now-a-days seems like a mirage. For all those things that I have lost, I miss you... 

Random ramblings of an Aimless mind...

This post comes as a result of a recent incident, An incident which to begin with was nothing serious but which was blown out of proportions  by some narrow minded or should I say simply term that person as a Hypocrite.

Your Life, the way you live it, The things you do, the decisions you take; don't you think are the only things that truly belong to you? Your life , your decisions and you are the only person to accounted for. Isn't that only thing that remains truly yours. People change. People move. Yeah, that's how I would like to put it. We are all Bohemians , gypsies at heart ; Moving from place to place,changing sides,moving from "People to People" in search of something called "True Love". No one ever , (well yeah except those two souls whose union resulted in You) will remain true to you. In all this turmoil of searching for true love , of searching for that one person who will remain rightfully yours , somewhere we get tired; tired of the constant search, tired of the constant heartbreaks, tired of the sudden backstabbing; and its at times like this that you feel the only thing that belongs truly and rightfully to you are your decisions.

Then why on Earth do we end up regretting some of them? Why for Christ's sake are we intimidated by our own actions at times.? Yes, am a girl , and a properly spoilt one that too. Yes, I have taken a lot of decisions which yielded nothing but Hatred. Yes, I have taken decisions guided by Hatred and Malice and YES I drink , I smoke and I do every other thing that I think is right at the heat of the moment. But , what the heck! Its my Life , its my decision. Its the only thing that belongs rightfully to me. I am not scared of expressing my choices and hell yeah.! I am not intimidated by the thoughts of a third person and most importantly I don't regret them.

And as a small parting note for that narrow minded person who sent me down this black hole of haphazard thoughts, Never ever regret a single decision cause its your Life. Your decisions make you and regretting any of them is like regretting yourself , regretting your own Life, your own existence.  

Lucifer's Angel: Antaheen Opekhha

Lucifer's Angel: Antaheen Opekhha: "Recently just one day back saw this great bengali movie 'Antaheen'...A great movie with a great cast n great music.The movie was about this ..."