Of things Lost ....

"Ya Devi Sarvabhuteshu Shakti Rupen Sangsthita, Namastasyayi  Namastasyayi Namastasyayi Namoh Namaha"

The familiar voice of Birendra Krishna Bhadra that the radio would blare out all my growing years during that one particular day of the year, well it still does except that I don't listen to it anymore. 

The morning aftermath and Mahishashur Mardini showing on Doodarshan, it still does except that I don't watch it anymore.

The hub bub, the urgency to complete the Pandal on time , workers working round the clock building those beautiful structures and me staring at them mesmerized; the urgency , the Pandal everything remains; just that somehow I just don't seem to be a part of it anymore.

Things which seemed so normal, so commonplace and ordinary few years ago have suddenly lost somewhere in the sands of time. They suddenly have ceased to be a part of my life or should I rather say that I have ceased to be a part of "that" World altogether. With just a few days remaining before the Biggest Festival of Bengalis commence ; I sit back here and ponder over the things that I have lost in continuing with my mad race to achieve that ultimate source of happiness. 

My childhood flashes past my eyes , the time of Pujo , the excitement of shopping , of getting the latest collection available in the market , the month of October approaching , the smell of the Shiuli flowers.Those small, beautiful white flowers with a small orange-ish stalk, how I would love sniffing around my garden just to catch a light whiff of those flowers. 

Its been 4 years since I last smelt or even seen that flower ; and now I don't remember how it smells.

Saptami , the day of the Puja , I used to wake up to the beats of the Dhak. I recollect how the Dhakis used to lodge in our Garage during the four days of the Puja. I used to be amazed immensely by those lean, thin sometimes frail , young , at times old Dhakis and with the zest they used to play and sometimes dance to the beats of the Dhak.

I  still hear the beats of the Dhak, the internet is flooded with mp3 of the same; but I miss those Dhakis and their Zest for Life.

Dashami, the final day of the Puja , the day the married women of the locality used to bid farewell to Durga , not as a deity but as a daughter.I have seen children and at times the old crying over the fact that their daughter Durga would be going off to her Husband's place, not to return until next year. 

I never shed a tear in all those years , but I remember a void that Dashami would leave in my heart every year; a pang when the Idol finally would be loaded onto a truck en route for her Visarjan.

I somehow don't feel that void nor that pang any more..

I have achieved a lot of things in this short life of mine and I know there are many, many places left for me to be explored , many things left for me to be achieved. But, somewhere amidst all the achievements, there is a feeling of losing something dear , a feeling of utter helplessness and an angst for having lost things that actually mattered in search for something that now-a-days seems like a mirage. For all those things that I have lost, I miss you... 

Random ramblings of an Aimless mind...

This post comes as a result of a recent incident, An incident which to begin with was nothing serious but which was blown out of proportions  by some narrow minded or should I say simply term that person as a Hypocrite.

Your Life, the way you live it, The things you do, the decisions you take; don't you think are the only things that truly belong to you? Your life , your decisions and you are the only person to accounted for. Isn't that only thing that remains truly yours. People change. People move. Yeah, that's how I would like to put it. We are all Bohemians , gypsies at heart ; Moving from place to place,changing sides,moving from "People to People" in search of something called "True Love". No one ever , (well yeah except those two souls whose union resulted in You) will remain true to you. In all this turmoil of searching for true love , of searching for that one person who will remain rightfully yours , somewhere we get tired; tired of the constant search, tired of the constant heartbreaks, tired of the sudden backstabbing; and its at times like this that you feel the only thing that belongs truly and rightfully to you are your decisions.

Then why on Earth do we end up regretting some of them? Why for Christ's sake are we intimidated by our own actions at times.? Yes, am a girl , and a properly spoilt one that too. Yes, I have taken a lot of decisions which yielded nothing but Hatred. Yes, I have taken decisions guided by Hatred and Malice and YES I drink , I smoke and I do every other thing that I think is right at the heat of the moment. But , what the heck! Its my Life , its my decision. Its the only thing that belongs rightfully to me. I am not scared of expressing my choices and hell yeah.! I am not intimidated by the thoughts of a third person and most importantly I don't regret them.

And as a small parting note for that narrow minded person who sent me down this black hole of haphazard thoughts, Never ever regret a single decision cause its your Life. Your decisions make you and regretting any of them is like regretting yourself , regretting your own Life, your own existence.