In Memory of those nights...

And then there are nights. The most peaceful part of the entire day. No bright light to burn you with the luminosity. No sad twilight reminding you of some "Goodbye".

Just you and the darkness and the endless vista of thoughts, no colours, no bright hues, just BLACK. Ohh! The sky, the moon and some stars , some shooting stars till they finally fade out. Silence. A silence that howls.  
The thoughts, the loses, the compromises, the goodbyes and most definitely the "what- could - have - been-s". 

The day drives away the night. It brings you Light, Brightness and Hope but it is those endless nights spent alone thinking, listening to some good music or maybe just staring blankly into night sky; that bear witness to your most dark and deep thoughts. 

They know Who "You" are; before you put on that fake smile and that garb of happiness. 

In remembrance of all those beautiful nights..... 

"Oh starry night, with a moonlit sky, take me away, and tell me why. Give me a reason, for love's end, give me a reason, for why I lost a friend. I sit and think, all night "

No Way Out

He saw her. She was sitting there amidst a group of people. Loud people. People drinking, people laughing, people screaming. In the midst of all that loudness, her smile, her dimpled smile seemed like the slow breeze that caresses the sea at night. Her smile reminded him of the stillness that he used to feel at some point of his life, some long forgotten past, a different time-scale altogether. The stillness that he missed having now. He knew he would never let her go.

She was sitting just beside him, with her favorite book smoking away her favorite brand of cigarette and at times eyeing him. She saw him checking out that dimpled girl. She knew she loved him with almost everything she had. She knew he was the one man who could make her forget the world, the only man with whom everything always seemed to fall into place. She also knew she was everything that he was not looking for in his dream girl. She knew it damn well that she was just another girl for him.

And then  she saw him giving his heart away to the girl with the dimpled smile. She saw him speak those words - "You know I love her and I am going to get her, come whatever may. She is the one for me".

Just then, she heard something break. It was quite a loud sound. She somehow accidently seemed to have knocked

down her drink. "God! The clumsy you can be at times." She looked at Him and then she looked at the knocked

down glass , broken and shattered. She felt sorry for it. 
She felt sorry for herself. 
She felt an anger seething inside her. She despised herself for putting her heart on the line again. 
She knew, He was moving away.

As she was trying to clean up the mess she just created, she saw him take those steps towards her, utter those 
Words to her- "Will you dance with me"? 
She obliged; and then while they were dancing; she saw some kind of a halo surrounding them . A halo so 
beautiful, that it took her breath away, a halo so wonderful, that it burned her to ashes.

He, enamored by the beauty of the lady dancing with him, somehow seemed to forget the whole world. He
ignored the fact that there was someone waiting for him at the corner table, hoping for him to turn around,
maybe smile and say "Its late, lets drop you home" or just a "I am here for you, forever." But then Hope 
they say can be a big time Bitch. 

She took a last lingering glance at the beautiful, almost perfect couple. She turned back, said a silent good bye
and walked away.That was the last time she ever saw him. She vowed never to put herself or her heart ever 
on the line again. "Love can wait, am not cut for it".

Days passed like they always do. She moved on, like she always did. Bohemian, that's how she would always 
describe herself. Moving from one place to another, from one compromise to another and the list just never 
seemed to end. 
"Its been awhile" - she thought and ended up going to the same cafe where she would always 
go with him. "Ohh!! I have moved on" - she told herself, why miss on my favorite cup of cappuccino for some
thing of the the past. 

God has his own strange ways and we are puppets to his idiosyncrasies. 
He was right there, in that corner table, slouching over, sulking. 

It was like some long forgotten wound was rubbed with shit loads of salt. 

He looked up, said a Hello. Where was the Halo, she thought; where was She? 
He answered - "You must be wondering, What happened? Well, She left me. 
You know why? Because, You left me, you Bitch. She didn't want her love to consume our 
Friendship. And, I never knew friendship could be so Ravaging."

"Your Love is Killing me". 

She looked up and said - "I should have guessed, there was no way out" and walked away. 

Love, Rain, a long walk and an entirely new city.

It's at times like this, past midnight, a dark room, with a speck of light coming from your laptop screen and one of favourite songs playing on a loop, that you end up realising how much life has changed in the past few months. It's at times like this when you have spent the whole evening getting drenched while trying to get back to the place you have somehow come to associate more with "hell" and less with "home", walking a 3 kilometre long stretch all alone with an occasional car speeding past and nothing but that "Moon" to keep you company and some "Music" as always, that you end up retrospecting, clearing out your mind, letting go of certain things and people and yeah planning some revival strategies for a dying hobby. You end up realising there are so many things somewhere in that fist size heart of yours, or maybe in that not so big brain of yours, that have been screaming to see the daylight or maybe just the moonlit night. You realise how much life has changed from the time you stepped into this whole new world, this new city which now stands witness to "you" changing over a new leaf.

Is it the rain or the walk or the music that does this? Throwing you all of a sudden into a dark room with a plethora of things scattered around, memories, things and "people". People who were part of your day to day life, people who left an indelible mark on your life and on "You"; the people you thought you loved with everything you had and eventually ended up hating with utmost sincerity and loyalty. You almost end up  wishing those people never existed.

Then there are those little moments which creep in between such hard core dark deep thoughts. Moments which make you smile, moments which remind you of a friend sitting far away who is battling a problem far more grave than your recent heartbreak, and who inspite of it all, still has the time to help you nurse your wounds and cheer you up. Then, there is this friend of yours who calls you up at midnight just to tell you about this sudden realisation that life isn't the same anymore, that college has ended, and that how you are the only friend who can bear witness to all those deep dark thoughts not to be made public. Not to forget that friend who in drunken stupor ends up telling you "Dude! You are Sarah Jessica Parker, and we are 4 (+1) girlfriends of Sex and the City";
and that friend who wakes you up at 1am into the night, just to light up your favourite brand of cigarette. 

Life; you end up realising is strange and yet there is something about life which can light up your world even 

at the darkest of the times. You end up feeling lucky; at times end up falling in love with a certain city which 

has seen you shed those tears, and has also been witness to one such moment wherein you almost ended 

up dancing while walking down a busy B.E.L. Road. 

Yeah! Bangalore, its wet evenings, the 3 kilometre long stretch from IISc. to my place has somehow 

helped me change over a new leaf, become a new person altogether, cut someone out of my life 

and realise the worth of the existing ones.It has "Liberated" me from the ghosts of my past, it has 

showered me with its love in the most unkindest of the times, left me drenched, yet "Loved & Wanted". 

.....

Hope is a bitch.
Hope for better future.
Hope for happy endings.

Hoping for you to turn around.
Hoping for you to realize how I don't feel the same around you anymore.
Hoping for you to brood over once whats really behind those eyes.

Hope is definitely a bitch...

and I thought....

Another night, Another dark, lonely night. Kohl smudged eyes again, tossed around are some degraded, rusted, broken pieces of what used to be my heart.

I was unable to protect it again. I was unable to protect myself again. I was unable to prevent my favorite shade of Kohl from getting smudged again.

I thought i'll pull it through. I thought i'll be just fine. I thought you will come through...