No Way Out

He saw her. She was sitting there amidst a group of people. Loud people. People drinking, people laughing, people screaming. In the midst of all that loudness, her smile, her dimpled smile seemed like the slow breeze that caresses the sea at night. Her smile reminded him of the stillness that he used to feel at some point of his life, some long forgotten past, a different time-scale altogether. The stillness that he missed having now. He knew he would never let her go.

She was sitting just beside him, with her favorite book smoking away her favorite brand of cigarette and at times eyeing him. She saw him checking out that dimpled girl. She knew she loved him with almost everything she had. She knew he was the one man who could make her forget the world, the only man with whom everything always seemed to fall into place. She also knew she was everything that he was not looking for in his dream girl. She knew it damn well that she was just another girl for him.

And then  she saw him giving his heart away to the girl with the dimpled smile. She saw him speak those words - "You know I love her and I am going to get her, come whatever may. She is the one for me".

Just then, she heard something break. It was quite a loud sound. She somehow accidently seemed to have knocked

down her drink. "God! The clumsy you can be at times." She looked at Him and then she looked at the knocked

down glass , broken and shattered. She felt sorry for it. 
She felt sorry for herself. 
She felt an anger seething inside her. She despised herself for putting her heart on the line again. 
She knew, He was moving away.

As she was trying to clean up the mess she just created, she saw him take those steps towards her, utter those 
Words to her- "Will you dance with me"? 
She obliged; and then while they were dancing; she saw some kind of a halo surrounding them . A halo so 
beautiful, that it took her breath away, a halo so wonderful, that it burned her to ashes.

He, enamored by the beauty of the lady dancing with him, somehow seemed to forget the whole world. He
ignored the fact that there was someone waiting for him at the corner table, hoping for him to turn around,
maybe smile and say "Its late, lets drop you home" or just a "I am here for you, forever." But then Hope 
they say can be a big time Bitch. 

She took a last lingering glance at the beautiful, almost perfect couple. She turned back, said a silent good bye
and walked away.That was the last time she ever saw him. She vowed never to put herself or her heart ever 
on the line again. "Love can wait, am not cut for it".

Days passed like they always do. She moved on, like she always did. Bohemian, that's how she would always 
describe herself. Moving from one place to another, from one compromise to another and the list just never 
seemed to end. 
"Its been awhile" - she thought and ended up going to the same cafe where she would always 
go with him. "Ohh!! I have moved on" - she told herself, why miss on my favorite cup of cappuccino for some
thing of the the past. 

God has his own strange ways and we are puppets to his idiosyncrasies. 
He was right there, in that corner table, slouching over, sulking. 

It was like some long forgotten wound was rubbed with shit loads of salt. 

He looked up, said a Hello. Where was the Halo, she thought; where was She? 
He answered - "You must be wondering, What happened? Well, She left me. 
You know why? Because, You left me, you Bitch. She didn't want her love to consume our 
Friendship. And, I never knew friendship could be so Ravaging."

"Your Love is Killing me". 

She looked up and said - "I should have guessed, there was no way out" and walked away. 

Love, Rain, a long walk and an entirely new city.

It's at times like this, past midnight, a dark room, with a speck of light coming from your laptop screen and one of favourite songs playing on a loop, that you end up realising how much life has changed in the past few months. It's at times like this when you have spent the whole evening getting drenched while trying to get back to the place you have somehow come to associate more with "hell" and less with "home", walking a 3 kilometre long stretch all alone with an occasional car speeding past and nothing but that "Moon" to keep you company and some "Music" as always, that you end up retrospecting, clearing out your mind, letting go of certain things and people and yeah planning some revival strategies for a dying hobby. You end up realising there are so many things somewhere in that fist size heart of yours, or maybe in that not so big brain of yours, that have been screaming to see the daylight or maybe just the moonlit night. You realise how much life has changed from the time you stepped into this whole new world, this new city which now stands witness to "you" changing over a new leaf.

Is it the rain or the walk or the music that does this? Throwing you all of a sudden into a dark room with a plethora of things scattered around, memories, things and "people". People who were part of your day to day life, people who left an indelible mark on your life and on "You"; the people you thought you loved with everything you had and eventually ended up hating with utmost sincerity and loyalty. You almost end up  wishing those people never existed.

Then there are those little moments which creep in between such hard core dark deep thoughts. Moments which make you smile, moments which remind you of a friend sitting far away who is battling a problem far more grave than your recent heartbreak, and who inspite of it all, still has the time to help you nurse your wounds and cheer you up. Then, there is this friend of yours who calls you up at midnight just to tell you about this sudden realisation that life isn't the same anymore, that college has ended, and that how you are the only friend who can bear witness to all those deep dark thoughts not to be made public. Not to forget that friend who in drunken stupor ends up telling you "Dude! You are Sarah Jessica Parker, and we are 4 (+1) girlfriends of Sex and the City";
and that friend who wakes you up at 1am into the night, just to light up your favourite brand of cigarette. 

Life; you end up realising is strange and yet there is something about life which can light up your world even 

at the darkest of the times. You end up feeling lucky; at times end up falling in love with a certain city which 

has seen you shed those tears, and has also been witness to one such moment wherein you almost ended 

up dancing while walking down a busy B.E.L. Road. 

Yeah! Bangalore, its wet evenings, the 3 kilometre long stretch from IISc. to my place has somehow 

helped me change over a new leaf, become a new person altogether, cut someone out of my life 

and realise the worth of the existing ones.It has "Liberated" me from the ghosts of my past, it has 

showered me with its love in the most unkindest of the times, left me drenched, yet "Loved & Wanted". 

.....

Hope is a bitch.
Hope for better future.
Hope for happy endings.

Hoping for you to turn around.
Hoping for you to realize how I don't feel the same around you anymore.
Hoping for you to brood over once whats really behind those eyes.

Hope is definitely a bitch...

and I thought....

Another night, Another dark, lonely night. Kohl smudged eyes again, tossed around are some degraded, rusted, broken pieces of what used to be my heart.

I was unable to protect it again. I was unable to protect myself again. I was unable to prevent my favorite shade of Kohl from getting smudged again.

I thought i'll pull it through. I thought i'll be just fine. I thought you will come through...

He was there alone in a crowd with his favorite book when he saw her for the first time.Sitting on his favorite corner seat in the library , he saw her enter. She was like a breath of fresh air after being trapped in a small chamber for days. Her smile was like the sunshine that warmed you after a chilly winter night. She was everything He hoped for and beyond. She was His from the moment; he set his eyes on her.

His eyes followed her every move. Suddenly, He saw her coming towards him. His heart started beating so fast as if it would jump out of his body and then their eyes met for the first time. He looked into her eyes , and he could see everything & yet nothing. Those dark eyes reminded him of the night sky.The sky which he loved gazing into. The eyes which he would never stop gazing into. "Hello !! You mind if I sit here for awhile?"she chirped and all he could say or rather do was a slight affirmative nod of the head.She was confused and thats when he barely managed to say "No I don't."

She sat there just opposite to him  she smiled and he could barely manage one. For he was afraid , he was scared and he was not ready to admit that he was feeling. Yes, he was feeling , He "FELT".But he was not the kind of person who was supposed to feel anything.He didn't feel.Nothing effected him.He was more like a robot or a machine.Human emotions were alien to him. He was just a person in flesh and blood for whom emotions where something which belonged to the weak.And yet ; all he could think of at that moment was SHE. He felt his skin burning ; was this what they called a blush?He felt a smile breaking throughout his face. It was at that defining moment that he knew He was in Love. He felt Love after an eternity.

Love scared him more than anything else in the world. He couldnot bear the very idea of him falling in love. He got up; took a last glance and left.He heard her call out . But it was too much for him. He left.He ran.He ran as if he was being chased by a deadly animal. He ran for his dear sweet life.He ran not until he reached what he had left of a home. A small one room apartment cluttered with the remains of his past life. A life long ended ; dead. 

He searched and searched not until he found it. A picture. The only picture he had of - HER. Rebecca .. His Rebecca. Rebecca , the love of his life. The Rebecca , he had killed.Yes, he was a murderer. He had killed her. He didn't intend to. He didn't know it was going to happen.He would have stopped it if he knew. Damn!! he should have listened.He shouldn't have taken her to cliff that ominous night. He knew it had rained the other night and it would be all slippery. Yet, they went , they ran around and it was then that he saw her suddenly disappear in front of his eyes through a crevice ; her body to be found after 2 days floating on the lake beneath the cliff. He killed her. He was a murderer ; and now it was happening all over again. He was feeling LOVE all over again. 

He kept on bumping into her in the library or other places ; and he kept on avoiding her religiously. He didn't want another Rebecca to happen.The girl wanted to talk to him. She would say an occasional hi n he would just nod and go away almost ran away.This continued till one fine day She confronted her.Never in her life had she seen someone avoid her so religiously. She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to slap him for thwarting her attempts to talk with him.She some how wanted to know him.

"hey, you. Stop.Wait. See don't run off. Man!! Do I scare you?" She said. She was angry but there was an urgency in her voice , a desperation."Uh! no you dont. M sorry. But I need to go. Bye" He started walking but this time he was not alone. She was following her. "Okay , we can talk while walking. I forgot to introduce myself that day. I'm Rebecca". His heart missed a beat. He almost tripped on his way. "Rebecca???"  "Yeah. Hi." He couldn't stop staring at her. Rebecca. "Hello ! You alright? You dont like the name. Do you?" He spoke "Uhh! no.. Nothing. Its fine.Listen. Nice talking to you. I need to go.Bye." He shot off again and she stood there just stood there not knowing what to do.She felt a lump growing in her throat.Man!! she so wanted to slap that guy. She so wanted to know him.

 He knew he was doomed , doomed to lose every single person he had ever loved , ever felt for. But what the hell was this, was this some kind of a cruel joke that the guy who sits at a place above those white clouds was playing on him? Suddenly, he felt a smile breaking when he recalled the incident. "Rebbecca " Thats a classy name".

She sat their on the same table where she had first seen him waiting for him to come. but he never came and with the passing time she became more angry , stubborn.She wanted to speak to him and know what was wrong with him. She knew something was definitely wrong. She knew what she had to do. Later that day , unknown to him , she followed her into his apartment.

He was not used to having guests or people come over to his place. The doorbell startled him only to astound him n surprise him more after having opened the door. "You" he gasped. "Yes" she said."Before you ask me how did I get in here, let me tell you.I followed you after college and here I am." Well you shouldn't have". She shot back " Well you aren't really the person who gets to decide that".Since , its pretty clear you aren't inviting me in , I shall do that for myself". "Wait". he said . "No, i wont. " She entered into his abode. "Nice place".Anyways listen I wanted to speak with you. I mean why don't you talk with me? why do you run every time you see me.?Do I scare You??
She was restless, she was angry, she was impatient and she badly wanted him to speak.

He could sense her angst, her impatience, her restlessness and yes He was scared, frightened more than ever. "No, you don't. Listen! You should go. This is not exactly the place you should be in.Bye.!!" He slammed the door, just that somehow her hands came in between."Shit..!! I am so sorry, Rebecca, I didn't mean to hurt You". "You remember my name". She gasped. She was surprised, she was happy. "Gosh! I hurt you pretty bad". "You remember my name. I thought you never even heard me that day." "You should go to the Doctor. Does it hurt? Shall I get something? What should I do?"
He was scared more than ever. He had hurt her. He had hurt Rebecca also, no He had killed her actually; and now He would end up doing something terrible to her too. She can't be here. "Listen! You should not stay here. Go to a doctor or something.Please. Bye! He literally drove her put of the house.
She couldn't retaliate this time.

He remembered my name, then why can't he talk to me? Why does he avoid me?
She was not used to getting spurned like this. She was not used to running behind someone like this. Darn.! she never ran behind a person like this. But, there was something in that guy. Something in his eyes, the way he looked when She saw her for the first time. There was something entrancing even in the way he spurned her every time she tried to reach out to him. There was something magnetic about him and he had to reach out to him.

"Hey! Amanda. Do you happen to know that guy, the one over there." Rebecca asked her friend pointing towards Him. "That is Willliam. He is weird you know. Never speaks with anyone." " Why doesn't he speak with anyone?" "Some personal tragedy, dunno much about it."

Of shattered Dreams

And thus another dream ends; waking up to the Harsh reality. Lets face it. Its You only who thinks that you deserve more in Life, that you are worth something more. They don't think so. You are not destined for greatness; and thus another of your hopes are crushed. Some broken shards of glass, Kohl smudged eyes, a half burnt cigarette and another name added to your list of compromises, your growing list of Compromises. Another day and you try telling yourself , Some people are born Lucky. Life is easier for them. You are not one of them.May be you will get what you want , but the hard way; and then something inside you screams Why Me? Out of all the Six billion people (lets narrow it down to the 180 people) , Why it has to be Me? Why can't I be on the other side?? The happier side, the luckier side, the side with "worked out" things.

You try shutting that voice, play some loud music, gulp down some vodka, watch some TV. But does it? It retaliates. Yes, You failed again.Yes you compromised again. You lost something that you wanted badly again.You can't shut it down. Then, you start ignoring it, you start moving on, carrying on with your Life, trying to remind yourself of things you have achieved; and somehow everything you have achieved seem so gnomish, miniature in front of all those broken dreams and crushed hopes. 

Another night, you spend trying to make up your mind, thinking about "what happens, happens for GOOD". Consoling yourself with those so called good things that this compromise of yours has served you with.A small thing and you feel that similar lump in your throat.Broken dreams, crushed plans and shattered hopes. 

Run away. You end up wishing to run away from all of it; from the nights spent thinking about "what next"? From those solitary hours spent trying to Compromise again. People call you an Escapist. They say "You can't deal with failure, You can't act accordingly." "Actually you didn't work hard enough to achieve it, n now no point crying over spilled milk".

If only they would have realized how much broken you are within, how much tired you are of fighting back each time and most importantly how much badly, You for a change want to be happy. 

If only Life would have been a bit easier for me too.. If only my dreams and hopes wouldn't have been crushed and shattered for Once... If only the last Resort , the Last Hope wouldn't have gone away with the Wind../

For that Someone who could never understand me...

Dear Someone,

.... and I am in Love; as always; may be more than ever. Have been in love with you for a long time.Never told you though.I don't think , I ever will.

Do you know at all? Do you even deserve to know? Maybe you do deserve to know coz, You are  the subject over here; or maybe you don't coz somewhere deep down you just don't care and even if you do, you are not man enough to show it.

I have been there by your side, supporting you, helping you, in my own little way.See, that's the shortcoming of being in Love. You just cannot stop yourself from being selfless , you just cannot stop yourself from going beyond, crossing the line and doing that extra bit with a singular desire of comforting and maybe making that person Happy.

And today I know I need you more than ever.Not much, but a few words of support would do. A "Don't worry things will work out. They always do" will surely do the job. Maybe, for once you could just reach out to me and let me hold your hand for awhile or simply let me sit by your side and hear time ticking away.

If only, you would have heard my silence speaking; the way I did for you. If only you would have understood how much broken I am within. If only you would have felt how a single "hi" from you lights up my day.If only you would have realized How much I need you.....